what might have been

i'm not a huge country music fan, but i'm not a hater either. for every 20 songs with cheesy lyrics there is one song with incredible lyrics. i think of songs like, 'the dance', 'that was a river', 'something in red' and many more. but for the purposes of this post i referenced a song called 'what might have been' by the band little texas. if you're not familiar with it, i recommend you check out the lyrics.

in it the songwriter has come across an old flame and encourages her (and himself) to "try not to think about what might have been, cause that was then, and we have taken different roads. we can't go back again, there's no use giving in, and there's no way to know, what might have been".

in the last few posts an interesting, although originally unintended, topic arose. the idea of the shoulda/woulda/coulda. honestly, i've never been a big fan of the s/w/c, mostly because i try not to live with any regrets. if i look back at decisions i've made, i try to reconcile myself to them and realize that i may not be the girl i am today, had i not made these choices.

on occasion i have kicked myself in the proverbial arse for missing certain opportunities, not taking certain chances, but what i've tried to do with these 'mistakes' is take them for what they are, lessons for today. my biggest lesson is the one i still fight to conquer even to this day, the lesson of doing more and thinking less. by this i do not mean to do without thinking, but if you know me at all you know i have a severe case of paralysis by analysis. and this manifests itself most painfully and obviously in my life in the arena of 'love'.

i have had so many crushes in my life that i even considered writing a comedic song listing the first name and last initial of every single guy i could remember having crushed on since i was young but i realized that song would probably go on for an hour. :) most of them never knew i had a crush on them, and probably never will. and i'm fine with that. but i wasn't always.

there have only been two guys in my life that i had incredible interest in, somewhat silently, that i ever regretted later not revealing my feelings to. i no longer have those same regrets, but it did take time for me to overcome those feelings.

when i think back to college, and the more i reconnect with old college friends, i realize that almost every one of them is married with kids now. i can count on one hand my fellow singles. and, while that is awesome for them, i'm sure, i'm not so sure that's the life i would have wanted. i'm not saying i don't want to get married, or have children, but, and i apologize if i offend anyone here, but i need more. the picket fence, 2.5 kids thing bores the heck out of me. i am NOT saying that is a boring lifestyle, not by a long shot, i am simply saying that is not my ideal, and would bore me. it's sort of like how some people find nascar really exciting (i happen to be one of those people) but others find it to be incredibly monotonous. some things are for some people and not for others. i said i would describe in a future blog my ideal life, and i will, but for now, let's just say that even if i do get married and have kids, i want to be able to adventure with my family. but i digress.

when i think about possibly having married someone from college i think about how, if that had happened back then, i probably would never have met my best friend and probably never would have moved to nashville. and if i had not moved to nashville, i may never have truly connected with my artistic side, etc. i can follow a similar rabbit trail in relation to my arizona move but i'll save the details for another time. i would best encapsulate this concept by stating, i feel like i've become more me, due to the choices i've made. with every day i have a deeper understanding and more intimate connection with who i am and who i want to be.

this is not to say that i wouldn't be just as awesome a version of myself had i taken a different path, but all in all, i like this version.

in reference to anonymous, i would like to say this. neither he nor i know what might have been. we have each made decisions in our lives that have brought us to where we are and who we are today. i am a very different person than i was in college, and i am very happy for that. while anonymous may have been interested in me back then, chances are, he would probably not like modern me as much. but, then again, maybe he would. we also do not know how i would have responded back then, or even today. without knowing who he is, i cannot say, but, in all honesty, i really do not want to know.

in a way, it's nice to know someone thinks so highly of me, even if it is from a distance, and i do not begrudge his choice to remain anonymous. i respect it and, since he has stated his unavailable status, prefer it.

i hope that anonymous is content in his life and pleased with the choices he has made and i wish upon him many blessings. this whole topic has introduced a myriad of emotions, not all of them pleasant, but i am grateful for each one. it's like one of my favorite modern songwriters says, "at least when you feel pain it lets you know that you're alive".

and i am really glad to be alive! :)