what might have been

i'm not a huge country music fan, but i'm not a hater either. for every 20 songs with cheesy lyrics there is one song with incredible lyrics. i think of songs like, 'the dance', 'that was a river', 'something in red' and many more. but for the purposes of this post i referenced a song called 'what might have been' by the band little texas. if you're not familiar with it, i recommend you check out the lyrics.

in it the songwriter has come across an old flame and encourages her (and himself) to "try not to think about what might have been, cause that was then, and we have taken different roads. we can't go back again, there's no use giving in, and there's no way to know, what might have been".

in the last few posts an interesting, although originally unintended, topic arose. the idea of the shoulda/woulda/coulda. honestly, i've never been a big fan of the s/w/c, mostly because i try not to live with any regrets. if i look back at decisions i've made, i try to reconcile myself to them and realize that i may not be the girl i am today, had i not made these choices.

on occasion i have kicked myself in the proverbial arse for missing certain opportunities, not taking certain chances, but what i've tried to do with these 'mistakes' is take them for what they are, lessons for today. my biggest lesson is the one i still fight to conquer even to this day, the lesson of doing more and thinking less. by this i do not mean to do without thinking, but if you know me at all you know i have a severe case of paralysis by analysis. and this manifests itself most painfully and obviously in my life in the arena of 'love'.

i have had so many crushes in my life that i even considered writing a comedic song listing the first name and last initial of every single guy i could remember having crushed on since i was young but i realized that song would probably go on for an hour. :) most of them never knew i had a crush on them, and probably never will. and i'm fine with that. but i wasn't always.

there have only been two guys in my life that i had incredible interest in, somewhat silently, that i ever regretted later not revealing my feelings to. i no longer have those same regrets, but it did take time for me to overcome those feelings.

when i think back to college, and the more i reconnect with old college friends, i realize that almost every one of them is married with kids now. i can count on one hand my fellow singles. and, while that is awesome for them, i'm sure, i'm not so sure that's the life i would have wanted. i'm not saying i don't want to get married, or have children, but, and i apologize if i offend anyone here, but i need more. the picket fence, 2.5 kids thing bores the heck out of me. i am NOT saying that is a boring lifestyle, not by a long shot, i am simply saying that is not my ideal, and would bore me. it's sort of like how some people find nascar really exciting (i happen to be one of those people) but others find it to be incredibly monotonous. some things are for some people and not for others. i said i would describe in a future blog my ideal life, and i will, but for now, let's just say that even if i do get married and have kids, i want to be able to adventure with my family. but i digress.

when i think about possibly having married someone from college i think about how, if that had happened back then, i probably would never have met my best friend and probably never would have moved to nashville. and if i had not moved to nashville, i may never have truly connected with my artistic side, etc. i can follow a similar rabbit trail in relation to my arizona move but i'll save the details for another time. i would best encapsulate this concept by stating, i feel like i've become more me, due to the choices i've made. with every day i have a deeper understanding and more intimate connection with who i am and who i want to be.

this is not to say that i wouldn't be just as awesome a version of myself had i taken a different path, but all in all, i like this version.

in reference to anonymous, i would like to say this. neither he nor i know what might have been. we have each made decisions in our lives that have brought us to where we are and who we are today. i am a very different person than i was in college, and i am very happy for that. while anonymous may have been interested in me back then, chances are, he would probably not like modern me as much. but, then again, maybe he would. we also do not know how i would have responded back then, or even today. without knowing who he is, i cannot say, but, in all honesty, i really do not want to know.

in a way, it's nice to know someone thinks so highly of me, even if it is from a distance, and i do not begrudge his choice to remain anonymous. i respect it and, since he has stated his unavailable status, prefer it.

i hope that anonymous is content in his life and pleased with the choices he has made and i wish upon him many blessings. this whole topic has introduced a myriad of emotions, not all of them pleasant, but i am grateful for each one. it's like one of my favorite modern songwriters says, "at least when you feel pain it lets you know that you're alive".

and i am really glad to be alive! :)

warrior is a child

that was the name of an old twyla paris song. in it she sang of how to the outside world she seemed strong and confident, independent and indestructible but when she went home, to the one that knew her best, she was as frail as faberge, as delicate as a daisy.

something unexpected happened when i posted this last blog. if you read the comments then you know that someone i used to know anonymously revealed they had a crush on me in college but was too afraid to ever ask me out back then. when i replied that i never got asked out in college, anon expressed his disbelief.

thing is, i can count on one hand the number of dates i went on in college. i seriously almost never got asked out. i spent more nights crying myself to sleep, wondering why my phone didn't ring, while all my friends were out on dates.

it sucked!

then, years later, someone anonymously tells me they had a crush on me from a distance. this is not the first time this has happened either. honestly, as i pondered this, i realized, since i was little, boys have liked me from afar. i've received signed and unsigned "love notes", anonymous flowers, anonymous valentines, guys telling me how they used to have a crush on me. i even received a phone call from friends telling me they were with a guy i hadn't seen in over a year but still apparently remembered everything about me and confessed to having had a huge crush on me.

i guess i just don't understand. am i unapproachable? have i always been? why didn't these guys ask me out? did they really think i was going out on too many dates and couldn't possibly fit them into my hectic schedule? my goodness, my high school, college, and post-college years pretty much sucked. and, in the dating arena, it still does. i pretty much am clueless, still, when it comes to the whole dating game. the last guy i dated literally had to ask me out 3 times before i said yes.

am i just missing the signs? if so, can someone please show me the way? cause i am completely lost!

magical marriage pixie dust

NOTICE TO ALL MEN: if you are truely and honestly interested in finding that special someone in your life then i highly recommend you date me! no, not because i want to get married (i don't even know some of you) BUT apparently, almost every guy i "date" gets engaged within a year of dating me.

i'm serious!

it actually just happened again. the last guy i dated, earlier this year, just got engaged.
i'm actually really happy for him. i knew from minute one that he and i weren't going to work out but i tried to be open minded and went out with him anyway.

he's a really sweet guy and i'm very excited that he's found love :)

of course, the only stipulation is that you have to really, honestly, and truely desire to get married. not ALL the guys i've dated are married or engaged to be married, but most of them are.

so, if you want to get married, give me a call, i'll sprinkle some of my magical marriage pixie dust on you, and within a year you'll be shelling out for an engagement ring and going to cake tastings! :)

grocery list

it's been two weeks since i blogged and i feel out of touch. i have so many different ideas of what i want to write about and i just don't know where to start so i figured i'd start with a random list of potential future topics.

1. the election and politics
2. my ideal life
3. my ideal partner
4. why suv drivers should be required to take an additional driving test
5. relationships
6. occasional movie reviews
7. occasional tv reviews
8. why i love my motorcycle
9. spiritual beliefs
10. favorite bands
11. exciting activities
12. celebrity crushes
13. real crushes
14. friends
15. family
16. work
17. artistic projects
18. and much much more, i'm sure

now, where to start? hmmm.

throwing my vote away

a few weekends ago i was discussing the election with a couple of my coworker friends. all four of the people i was with indicated they were planning on voting for Obama. i stated that, since my candidate of choice was no longer running, that i had not wholly decided on whom i was supporting, but that i was certain i would not be supporting either of the "republicrats" and that my choice was either going to be from a "third" party, or i was going to do a write in of either Ron Paul or NOTA (none of the above, for those that aren't familiar with that acronym).

then one of them says to me, "so you're going to throw your vote away". i just looked at him as if he was crazy. he then follows up, as do the others, that they are basically choosing the lesser of two evils. and these people say I'M throwing MY vote away. i don't know, but to me, consciously deciding to cast your vote for someone or something you don't believe in is a far greater example of throwing your vote away, than truly voting your convictions could ever be. call me idealistic, unrealistic, maybe even delusional, but if we all truly voted for whom and what we believed in and supported then i know this country would be a better place. politicians wouldn't be so apt to be so sleazy because they would know that they would truly be held accountable for their actions. and by actions, i don't mean what goes on in their bedrooms, but by what goes on on the senate floor and the house floor. how they vote and what sort of bills they introduce.

one of the myriad of reasons that i support Ron Paul is because he actually works. he was voted in as a congressman, and as a congressman he writes and introduces more bills than any other, as well as actually shows up to vote more often than almost any other. the man works! add to that the fact that i agree with his ideals on almost every point and we have ourselves a man i can support!

i disagree with most, if not all, of what both McCain and Obama stand for and have stood for. while i am all in favor of the concept of a black president or a female vp, the fact is, i do not agree with either of their politics.

i do not want to get too far deep into the politics of this necessarily, i just wanted to state that, if you can honestly and truly say that you fully support 90% of whatever your current chosen candidate not only says, but does (politically, that is, i really think personal lives should be personal), then i say, bravah! whether you and i agree on politics, to me, is irrelevant. i honestly envy you in a way because you have hope. hope that the beliefs and convictions that you hold dear will be championed and propagated.

but if you are one of the many that have resigned yourself to voting for the "lesser of two evils", i beg you to reconsider. the lesser of two evils is still a vote for evil. please do not throw your vote away! be as the widow with the mite and take what you may feel to be your one tiny insignificant vote and make a sound that resonates through the ages. i know you care! i know you are passionate to see a representative in office that actually represents you, so make the right choice! change does not happen overnight, and we may not win this election, or the next, or the one after that, but if we strip ourselves of hope for real change, then we have stripped ourselves of the first gift we were ever given, the gift of free will.

i believe my vote has a voice! i believe that, even though i may be small, my message is mighty! and because i live in a country in which i still have a choice and a voice and the opportunity to use these tools, i will be voting with my convictions.

and i beg you, i honestly and sincerely do not care who you choose to vote for, just vote for the one that speaks for YOU!

so, please, whatever you do, whomever you choose, do not, throw your vote away.

forever my friend

SO. i have this coworker that i just thoroughly enjoy discoursing with as often as i can. we have certain commonalities but the manifestations of such are so polarized that it's almost comically fascinating.

we, again, were discussing the topic of marriage. he is a committed bachelor, staunchly opposed to ever getting married and determined to never have children. while i understand why certain people have no desire to get "married" and can empathize with those that do not desire children, what i cannot comprehend is the absolute absence of any want for a forever companion. he doesn't believe that relationships are meant to last forever. he says it's unnatural. i argued that he was confusing natural with simple, that i believe it is natural for us to be drawn to partner with another but the sustaining of the relationship is most certainly not simple.

he also reasons that he just exceptionally enjoys his freedom. the practice of having to consider another person in any decision, big or small, is a greater hassle than it is worth. and i admit, i understand and agree with that assessment but i guess i see things differently. i purposefully live sans roommates because i really despise having to live with others that have different priorities than i do. i also only want certain things known by certain people. there is a very small, and by small i mean infinitesimal, group of people that really, truly, honestly, know me. and even some of those that i would count as my closest friends are, at times, surprised by the things i say and do. i attribute this to the fact that i am on an ever-quest of self-evolution. i do not believe we ever truly reach perfection but i do not believe this should halt us in our attempts to improve. but i digress.

my argument to his marital aversion was that i believe most commit to relationships for all the wrong reasons and out of haste. if more people were more patient, then divorce would not be so commonplace and marital misery would not be the norm.

i, of course, am the romantic, with the malady of the 'almost perfect, but not quite' girl that shel silverstein wrote about. in another blog i will describe what it is i am searching for in a relationship/significant other but, suffice it to say, i do desire a travelling companion.

so my guess is, in the spirit of irony, if you fast forward 5 years, he'll probably be married, with he and his wife expecting their 2nd child and i'll still be a swinging single with zero prospects.

isn't that always the way. :)