been almost a year...

it's been almost a year since i last posted. so little and yet so much has changed since then. some good, some better, some lessons i'd rather not have to re-learn.

i am no longer working in human resources at a medical device company. thank the heavens! while being unemployed is not the most fun place to be, i am most certainly excited about the adventure ahead. i do not regret studying for and passing the test to become a certified professional in human resources. but, i've always felt the corporate (whether for or not-for profit) world was a 'fall back'. while i say i go back to it for the money, honestly, i usually go back to it, to prove i can. that i'm smart and talented enough to make it in that world. this way, when i choose to leave it and to live in a tiny room in brooklyn with 4 roommates and no tv, i know, deep down, that i've lived the on the other side of the tracks, and was joy-less.

my joy comes from the arts. i'm a choreographer, a writer, a singer, a dancer and an actress. i produce great and wonderful pieces, in my mind. an intellectually creative mind, that lives so far outside the box that it believes the box is merely a myth.

but i live in fear. and i allow external things to change my resolve. i have made many a great excuse as to why these many talents have remained in a semi-dormant state.

my hope is to live in the land of defeat no longer. my aim is to succeed.

and this time, however long that time is, this time, i will.

i always feel like, somebody's watching me

in my last post, i talked about this dress i was trying to make for an upcoming event. well, i finished the dress! and i was indeed able to wear it to the event/party. i have to say, i was, and am, pretty darn pleased with myself. :)

i ended up staying up till 5 AM trying to finish it, and almost thought it wasn't going to happen but, it all worked out in the end. i totally fit in and nobody knew i hand made the dress, except whenever my friend told them. she was so impressed she kept telling people.

the party was fantastic! so many celebrities, and ones i never expected to see there. i was shocked with how thin the actresses were. i mean, we're talking size negative 2. i'll admit, i understand models being so thin, because in that arena, it's all about showcasing the clothes. but i really cannot comprehend the necessity for actresses to be so excessively thin. thinner than your average, maybe, but not model thin. that's just crazy! i feel bad for them actually because, if they don't maintain this level of "thinness" they may just not get work, and, to be honest, i'm glad my job doesn't require me to have to look a certain way.

anyway, the party was a lot of fun and i had a grand old time meeting some fabulous people, both famous and not. while my intention is not to drop too many names, there are 3 names i do want to mention.

andre braugher - i have always loved his work, since homicide: life on the streets, and couldn't believe i got to see him in person and share the dance floor with him and his wife. it was actually pretty cool!

jason o'mara - i actually tried to watch 'life on mars' simply because he's the lead, but the show couldn't keep my attention. i just think he is so fine, and i pretty much stared at him the whole night. although, i wouldn't speak to him, or go near him because i wanted to be respectful of the fact that he's married. i accidentally ended up right behind him in line at the bar on my way to get another diet coke, but left the line because i felt like he might think i was stalking him. lol :)

william hurt - while i met, and was introduced to a multitude of people that night, most of them were doing the industry schmooze thing. this meant that they spent their time talking to and chasing down other industry types and a non-industry person, like myself, was not who they wanted to spend a lot of time chatting with. and i really have no problem with that. i honestly don't. i understand it completely and don't begrudge anyone, in this economy, wanting to chase down people that can help them find they're next gig, and i'm not one of those people. that being said, there was one celebrity, and only one celebrity that made a point to introduce himself to me, and william hurt was that one person. i give him major kudos for that!

so, after having one of the most fantastic evenings i have had in a long time i was pretty much just sitting on top of the world! and then, a few days later, everything changes...

***cue sinister music***

i start getting phone calls from a private number but no messages are left. on tuesday, after the 2nd of these calls that day, and four the day before, i finally pick up, only to hear the caller announce himself as being with the new york state police. he tells me that my car was seen on a video tape of a parking lot near a 'shooting' that occurred and they were wondering if i had witnessed anything. thing is, i knew there was no way that my car was in a parking lot at the time they said the video showed it because i was driving it at the time. but the investigator was insistent, and i was starting to get upset. i mean, i seriously initially thought the whole thing was a joke and that some morning radio show hosts were going to come on and tell me i was being 'phone tapped' or something.

when i got off the phone with the investigator, i called the number the investigator gave me, right back and start questioning the guy that answered. i then requested to speak to the investigator's supervisor. the whole thing just seemed a little hinky to me. i was afraid it was a scam, or maybe some identity theft thing, so i was persistent. in the course of my conversations, i found out that the nysp had contacted my local police and sent them to my residence sunday evening to verify that my vehicle was there. they kept wanting to know if someone else had access to my vehicle and i told them there was no way my car was where they said they had video of it being. they still wanted to talk to me, to find out if i had 'witnessed' anything and i still thought the whole thing was shady. i told them i wanted to see this video. they said i would need to come to their barracks, a good hour and a half from my home. i told them it would have to wait until saturday. they then said they would come to my local police station on thursday instead and bring the video with them. i said fine, and the meeting was set.

on thursday i go to the local police station and ask for the local detective that was working with the nysp. i wait for the the investigators to arrive. when they finally do arrive, they try to start questioning me about my whereabouts the night of the 'incident'. i ask to see the video. they inform me that the quality of the video is too poor to make anything out but that they have equipment at the station that enhances the quality of the video. they then show me a print screen from the video of what is supposedly my car. it is basically a blur. i'm still thinking this is hinky.

finally the senior investigator gets honest with me and explains to me what really happened. apparently someone impersonated a cop by flashing his headlights at a car that contained a young lady in her early 20s and got the girl to pull over. he asked her to get out of her vehicle and he then proceeded to 'fondle' her. the victim gave my license plate number and car description as the car the culprit was driving. and apparently she was very insistent about the information.

as we went through the events of the evening, the same evening as the event/party, it was determined that there was no way that anyone else could have been driving my car at the time of the crime, and clearly, neither myself, nor my friend committed the crime. we concluded that what may have happened was that i probably drove by the scene at the same time the culprit was pulling away and the victim mistook my car for that of the one of the culprit's. at this point they were hoping that maybe we saw something, but i had not, and neither did my friend.

the crazy thing is, before even talking to me or meeting me, they dug into my information as much as they could, and even looked into my brothers' information. all because the victim made a mistake. i mean, it's a good thing neither of my brothers live anywhere near me, that neither i, nor my friend have a boyfriend, and that my friend doesn't have any male roommates. goodness knows what would have happened to any one of them, all because the victim made a false identification of the vehicle.

i feel very bad for the victim, and i hope they find the culprit quickly.

i do want to send out a warning though to all of you. know where you've been and when you've been there. because if, for any reason, someone misidentifies you, your vehicle, or anything belonging to you, you may be investigated, your family investigated and your friends investigated. even though you may have done nothing wrong, prepare to have your privacy and your personal life completely invaded, all in the name of justice.

i am not condemning the police for their actions, i am simply giving you a heads up. just because you may be an innocent bystander or passerby, does not preclude you from being investigated like a criminal. so always be aware of your surroundings and be able to account for your whereabouts at all times.

it is the best way to ensure that you are not wrongfully accused of something.

perpetual ADD or biting off more than i can chew

so i received an invitation to a pretty fancy party on saturday at the plaza hotel in nyc. can't get in to details but, suffice it to say, i have nothing appropriate to wear to this shindig, nor the monetary resources to buy a brand new cocktail style dress.

this left me with 2 options. one, i could buy a super cheap dress from walmart/target/marshall's etc. or two, i could try to make something. i have, more than likely foolishly, decided to go with option 2.

i picked up a pattern, thread, fabrics and all the necessary tools and am beyond excited to attempt this but my time frame has left me with less than 24 hours to pull this thing together. mind you, professionals on shows like project runway don't even like to try this madness, and they're competing for money and contracts.

this is not my very first time using a sewing machine, but i haven't used one in over 10 years. i actually have one of my closest friends, meredith, pretty much on speed dial write now, as i go through this process. i didn't even know what the symbols on the pattern meant. words like selvage and interfacing and notches have now entered my vocabulary.

i have decided that, if option 2 does not end up working, then it's to option 1 i go.

i mention all of this because, i have a really bad habit of developing these grandiose ideas, getting all revved up and psyched about it, and then never totally following through. honestly, if i followed through on even just 30% of what i set in my mind to do, i would probably be a rich, skinny, wife of some successful celebrity, splashed evenly across the pages of forbes, vogue and people. while i simultaneously solved world hunger, world peace, and global warming.

but, alas, i am not. and so i am stuck, trying to make a princess worthy dress on a pauper's dime.

news flash! the Pope is catholic!

so i got a comment on my last post from a new "anonymous". let's call this one A2. this person was not as nice as the last. i'm not sure what incited them so, but since he/she has chosen not to reveal himself/herself, i am left to only wonder. my guess is that either i do not know this person at all, he/she has been hurt by someone and they are projecting that anger on to me OR i do know this person, have slighted him/her in some way, and they feel the only way to get back at me is to leave a nasty anonymous comment on my blog.

i won't lie, when i first read it, it stung. my initial reaction was hurt and i was on the verge of deleting it but then i stopped. i decided it better for me to keep it, as a reminder that, not only are there people out there that really don't like me, but also as a reminder that it's ok if people dislike, or even worse, hate me.

A2 informed that i was egotistical and self-absorbed. and honestly, i can't really say that i disagree with that assessment. i mean, let's face it, i write a freaking blog! and i not only expect, but assume that others will read it, and may even be moved by it. what could be more egotistical and self-absorbed than that?! i feel comments like that are tantamount to informing the Pope that he's catholic.

i briefly considered writing a post defending my name, as it were. lauding all the wonderful selfless acts that i have done over the years, making me appear akin to the nature of Mother Theresa but i decided that would only exaggerate and emphasize how truly egotistical and self-absorbed i really am.

so, instead i've decided to confess. i am egotistical. i am self-absorbed. i do not deny it. nor do i defend it. i honestly believe we are all egotistical and self-absorbed but to varying degrees at varying times in our lives. and i have spent too many years placing myself in comparison with others. there is only one person that ever walked this earth that was truly selfless and others-centric and He lived 2000 years ago. the rest of us could never even come close to that kind of selfless sacrifice. this does not preclude us from trying to love others and care for others as we would ourselves. quite the opposite, it should drive us to never be satisfied with who we are and what we do and how we make a difference in this world.

to A2, if i know you and have wronged you in the past i am most sincerely sorry for my actions. i promise you, i have never intentionally been malicious towards anyone. i may have done and said some stupid things, scratch that, i know i've said and done some stupid things, and if you were ever a victim of my foolishness, again, i am incredibly sorry.

if i don't know you, well, i still apologize. i know what it's like to be hurt by people, have mean things said or done to you and it really sucks.

anyway, not sure if i'll revisit or need to revisit this topic again but i did want to say my piece. i mean, after all, this is my blog, and it is all about me :)

invisible me - hey there

started working on a new song last night. it's an oft repeated topic in my life but i'm writing about it in a new way this time. it's not completed but i've got most of it done, including the melody and the chords. it will probably need a few re-writes, and it still needs a second verse, but here's what i have so far:
*****UPDATE*****
i've added a second verse but i still need to add some more. i've also changed one of the lines

hey there

walter and willie
made me feel so silly
when i lived in philly
thought they were so fine

they were cute and funny
smiled sweet like honey
eyes were bright and sunny
they just seemed to shine

tried to get their attention
threw a smile their direction
they wanted no connection
didn't have enough perfection

my soul left so depleted
my heart again retreated
same old story repeated
can't this nightmare be defeated

hey there willie bryce
just thought you seemed so nice
but you won't even look at me twice

hey there walter byrne
when will i ever learn
that your head i'll just never turn

spending all my money
working to look twenty
and it just ain't funny
how i have to fight

so i keep on trying
but they just ain't buying
they just leave me crying
all alone at night

tried to get their attention
threw a smile their direction
they wanted no connection
didn't have enough perfection

my soul left so depleted
my heart again retreated
same old story repeated
can't this nightmare be defeated

hey there willie bryce
just thought you seemed so nice
but you won't even look at me twice

hey there walter byrne
when will i ever learn
that your head i'll just never turn

****disclaimer - i do not actually know a willie bryce or a walter byrne, so if you happen to know anyone by either of those names it is simply a coincidence****

what might have been

i'm not a huge country music fan, but i'm not a hater either. for every 20 songs with cheesy lyrics there is one song with incredible lyrics. i think of songs like, 'the dance', 'that was a river', 'something in red' and many more. but for the purposes of this post i referenced a song called 'what might have been' by the band little texas. if you're not familiar with it, i recommend you check out the lyrics.

in it the songwriter has come across an old flame and encourages her (and himself) to "try not to think about what might have been, cause that was then, and we have taken different roads. we can't go back again, there's no use giving in, and there's no way to know, what might have been".

in the last few posts an interesting, although originally unintended, topic arose. the idea of the shoulda/woulda/coulda. honestly, i've never been a big fan of the s/w/c, mostly because i try not to live with any regrets. if i look back at decisions i've made, i try to reconcile myself to them and realize that i may not be the girl i am today, had i not made these choices.

on occasion i have kicked myself in the proverbial arse for missing certain opportunities, not taking certain chances, but what i've tried to do with these 'mistakes' is take them for what they are, lessons for today. my biggest lesson is the one i still fight to conquer even to this day, the lesson of doing more and thinking less. by this i do not mean to do without thinking, but if you know me at all you know i have a severe case of paralysis by analysis. and this manifests itself most painfully and obviously in my life in the arena of 'love'.

i have had so many crushes in my life that i even considered writing a comedic song listing the first name and last initial of every single guy i could remember having crushed on since i was young but i realized that song would probably go on for an hour. :) most of them never knew i had a crush on them, and probably never will. and i'm fine with that. but i wasn't always.

there have only been two guys in my life that i had incredible interest in, somewhat silently, that i ever regretted later not revealing my feelings to. i no longer have those same regrets, but it did take time for me to overcome those feelings.

when i think back to college, and the more i reconnect with old college friends, i realize that almost every one of them is married with kids now. i can count on one hand my fellow singles. and, while that is awesome for them, i'm sure, i'm not so sure that's the life i would have wanted. i'm not saying i don't want to get married, or have children, but, and i apologize if i offend anyone here, but i need more. the picket fence, 2.5 kids thing bores the heck out of me. i am NOT saying that is a boring lifestyle, not by a long shot, i am simply saying that is not my ideal, and would bore me. it's sort of like how some people find nascar really exciting (i happen to be one of those people) but others find it to be incredibly monotonous. some things are for some people and not for others. i said i would describe in a future blog my ideal life, and i will, but for now, let's just say that even if i do get married and have kids, i want to be able to adventure with my family. but i digress.

when i think about possibly having married someone from college i think about how, if that had happened back then, i probably would never have met my best friend and probably never would have moved to nashville. and if i had not moved to nashville, i may never have truly connected with my artistic side, etc. i can follow a similar rabbit trail in relation to my arizona move but i'll save the details for another time. i would best encapsulate this concept by stating, i feel like i've become more me, due to the choices i've made. with every day i have a deeper understanding and more intimate connection with who i am and who i want to be.

this is not to say that i wouldn't be just as awesome a version of myself had i taken a different path, but all in all, i like this version.

in reference to anonymous, i would like to say this. neither he nor i know what might have been. we have each made decisions in our lives that have brought us to where we are and who we are today. i am a very different person than i was in college, and i am very happy for that. while anonymous may have been interested in me back then, chances are, he would probably not like modern me as much. but, then again, maybe he would. we also do not know how i would have responded back then, or even today. without knowing who he is, i cannot say, but, in all honesty, i really do not want to know.

in a way, it's nice to know someone thinks so highly of me, even if it is from a distance, and i do not begrudge his choice to remain anonymous. i respect it and, since he has stated his unavailable status, prefer it.

i hope that anonymous is content in his life and pleased with the choices he has made and i wish upon him many blessings. this whole topic has introduced a myriad of emotions, not all of them pleasant, but i am grateful for each one. it's like one of my favorite modern songwriters says, "at least when you feel pain it lets you know that you're alive".

and i am really glad to be alive! :)

warrior is a child

that was the name of an old twyla paris song. in it she sang of how to the outside world she seemed strong and confident, independent and indestructible but when she went home, to the one that knew her best, she was as frail as faberge, as delicate as a daisy.

something unexpected happened when i posted this last blog. if you read the comments then you know that someone i used to know anonymously revealed they had a crush on me in college but was too afraid to ever ask me out back then. when i replied that i never got asked out in college, anon expressed his disbelief.

thing is, i can count on one hand the number of dates i went on in college. i seriously almost never got asked out. i spent more nights crying myself to sleep, wondering why my phone didn't ring, while all my friends were out on dates.

it sucked!

then, years later, someone anonymously tells me they had a crush on me from a distance. this is not the first time this has happened either. honestly, as i pondered this, i realized, since i was little, boys have liked me from afar. i've received signed and unsigned "love notes", anonymous flowers, anonymous valentines, guys telling me how they used to have a crush on me. i even received a phone call from friends telling me they were with a guy i hadn't seen in over a year but still apparently remembered everything about me and confessed to having had a huge crush on me.

i guess i just don't understand. am i unapproachable? have i always been? why didn't these guys ask me out? did they really think i was going out on too many dates and couldn't possibly fit them into my hectic schedule? my goodness, my high school, college, and post-college years pretty much sucked. and, in the dating arena, it still does. i pretty much am clueless, still, when it comes to the whole dating game. the last guy i dated literally had to ask me out 3 times before i said yes.

am i just missing the signs? if so, can someone please show me the way? cause i am completely lost!